Wrestling with God

As days begin to turn into weeks since my son’s passing, I find myself staring into the face of two realities:

  1. I feel closer to eternity than I ever have before.  My spirit seems to have a deeper awareness that this life on earth is fragile, that my own physical life will turn to dust before I know it, and that the glories and beauty and wonder and joy of eternity as God created it is the greater reality that I belong to.  My son is already there and somehow this makes the scent of heaven seem so very close.
  2. I also find myself, predictably, wrestling with God.  While I have prayed for my son’s healing for over five years, I never hoped nor expected that it would come in this fashion.  This leaves my heart tenderly frustrated and, on some level, needing to “have it out” with God.  On an emotional level, my heart cries out: “God, what is wrong with you?”  “Your program is not the best.”  Your care for me is remiss.”  “Your response to my prayers falls far, far short for one who supposedly loves me deeply.”  Please do not send me any encouragements to trust God in response to reading this.  I am not speaking of a head-level reality, simply a heart that cannot fully grasp the way life is experienced in a broken world.  In my head, I already know that this experience of wrestling with God will ultimately lead my heart to a deeper place where I will experience an even more profound sense that God is the most trustworthy Papa that I can imagine and ultimately I will sink even deeper into His embrace.  But, for the moment, and as long as this process takes, my heart will wrestle.

Yet even today, as I write this, the taste of eternity overshadows the heart-wrestlings bringing a very real sense of peace in the midst.

As always, thank you so much for your support and love.  That call of eternity does stir deeply in Brooks and me pressing us toward all that God has put on our hearts to do… and with your strength beside us, we will continue doing just that.

One thought on “Wrestling with God

  1. ruben labiosa

    As I was in prayer this morning, you and Brooks came into my thoughts. It is true that when one member of the body hurts, the whole body hurts. We are members of the Body of Christ, and even though we have barely met and are just now beginning to know each other, I feel great affinity with you.

    Please do not accept the accusing feelings and fearful emotions of guilt and shame whose purpose is to keep you from perceiving the Lord’s love and presence in the midst of this trial. But instead, keep your eyes fast upon the Lord. He is the author and maker of our faith.

    My 84 year old mother said to me, “Son, when a person is dying, the last sense to go is hearing. A person hears to the very end.” She said this with an uncanny sense of conviction and faith. Her words carried the force of experience and the wisdom of a woman who knows the God she serves in an intimate way. You see, mother prayed for dad for nearly 60 years and in the final days of his life, he came into a saving knowledge of Jesus. Twenty four months later, she would stand by the bedside of her son. He, too, came into a right relationship with the Lord during the two years following dad’s passage from this life to the next.

    My mother shared with me instances during those final days in which my father showed signs of being in deep conversation with an invisible being, even though he was unconscious and oblivious to the things of this world. Likewise, as I sat by my brother’s bedside, I witnessed moments during which he too appeared to be in conversation with someone that I could not see. At times he would point to different places in the room, as he moved in and out of unawareness and semi-awareness and said, “They are dressed in white, there is one there and one there.” , pointing in one direction and then another.

    Our God is larger than our minds can ever embrace. His is magnanimous in His benevolence toward us. He is able to save to the uttermost. Remember the thief on the cross? Just before that man drew his last breath, the Savior snatched him from the jaws of spiritual death.

    What the enemy meant for evil in Tim’s life, God used for good. One day you and Brooks will be reunited with him and you will rejoice as you realize that, truly, what is impossible with man is possible with God. Tim not only heard you speaking to him during those final moments, but he experienced the love of God extended to him in forgiveness and acceptance.

    “Then the Lord answered Job from the whirlwind: Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.” -Job 38:1-2

    God is our sovereign Lord. We differ to Him in every experience in our lives. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

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